Conspiracy Theories: A Modest Proposal


by Sass Cuntstein, Information Czar and Cuntstitutional Scholar Extraordinaire

In my previous article Conspiracy Theories: Causes and Cures,” I argued that conspiracy theories – especially the ones that are true – pose a growing threat to Western civilization in general, and to people like me in particular. I pointed out that since 9/11, a veritable tsunami of conspiracy theories has been racing toward the American shore, threatening to wash away everything we have accomplished. Clearly, something must be done.
My earlier article, published in the Journal of Political Philosophy, proposed a number of remedies for the conspiracy disease. I argued that some day, the government might have to ban conspiracy theories. (Yes, I now realize I may have overlooked a minor matter called the “First Amendment”; but we Cuntstitutional scholars cannot be expected to remember every little detail we learned in law school, can we?)
I also recommended that the government should immediately begin to “cognitively infiltrate” conspiracy groups in order to disrupt them with “beneficial cognitive diversity.” But wouldn’t you know it, those paranoid conspiracy theorists imagined that I was proposing that the government conspire against them! What is it about “cognitive infiltration” and “beneficial cognitive diversity” that these people don’t understand?
The conspiracy theorists also had a field day with my assertion that the government ought to “disable the purveyors of conspiracy theories.” In their paranoid fantasies, they imagined that I somehow meant them harm. Nothing could be further from the truth! I most certainly do not want to harm the purveyors of conspiracy theories. I want to KILL them! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
The critics of my earlier article were right about one thing: I did not always make my meaning clear in simple, plain English. I wrote that way for a couple of reasons. First, I chose to publish it in a prestigious law review, and we all know that the only way to get published in academic journals is to dilute your prose with a lot of indecipherable gobbledegook. But more importantly, I chose to write it in code, as my mentor Leo Strauss always insisted: Since the truth is too dangerous for the masses, one should always write at two levels: An innocuous or indecipherable surface level in case one of the semi-literate hordes of goyim should happen to stumble upon it; and a second, deniable, deeper level at which the unspeakable truth of the matter is hinted at, but never directly stated. Expressions like “cognitive infiltration” and “beneficial cognitive diversity” and “disable the purveyors of conspiracy theories” are just vague enough that a casual reader might pass over them without registering their full import.
Unfortunately, the paranoid conspiracy theorists read my article very carefully. And they broke the code. So now that the cat is out of the bag, what is to be done? How can I propose that the government smash the conspiracy theorists, without giving those same conspiracy theorists more ammunition for their paranoid fantasies?
To hell with subtlety. At this late date, I am going to have to just come right out and tell the government how to annihilate the conspiracy theorists and put an end to conspiracy theories. If the conspiracy theorists don’t like it, they can stick it right up their blogs!
So here, in plain English, is my plan for “disabling the purveyors of conspiracy theories.”
There is only one way to stop the conspiracy theorists, once and for all.
Some will question whether the Constitution permits the “Unitary Executive” to have Americans killed and eaten without due process of law. But since 9/11, it has been clearly established that the Unitary Executive can indeed have Americans, or anyone else, kidnapped, indefinitely detained, tortured, or killed, without any due process whatsoever. After you have kidnapped, tortured, and killed them, eating them is a relatively minor matter; and since nothing in the Constitution specifically prohibits the Executive from eating his victims, I believe that devouring the people at will must be regarded as one of the prerogatives of government.
Once we grant the government’s right to promote cannibalism in service to the greater good, we may extend that right in such a way as to permit the government to wage an effective war on conspiracy theories. Here are some specific proposals for government programs aimed at devouring the conspiracy theorists who threaten our great nation.
Conspiracy Pizza: The National Security Agency, using its power to surveil every phone call, email, and internet post in the world, should identify the most active, influential, dangerous, and/or edible conspiracy theorists. Once these high-(nutritional)-value targets have been identified, they may be tracked 24/7/365 via their cell phones. When one of these dangerous, delicious conspiracy theorists enters a pizza restaurant that has established an Infra-Guard style partnership with the NSA, the pizzeria management will be alerted with a “ping,” and the unsuspecting conspiratorial customer will be served a “special pizza” producing a quick death by heart attack.
When the customer begins to gasp for breath, the pizzeria management team escorts him to a specially-equipped slaughterhouse room in the back of the restaurant, where he will be butchered and reduced to sausage, pepperoni, ham, and other imitation pork products. (Pacific Islander scientists have proven in a series of double-blind studies that most Americans, especially fat ones in Hawaiian shirts, cannot tell the difference between “long pig,” i.e. human flesh, and actual pork.)
Based on a preliminary study, we believe that at least 40% of American pizzerias would cooperate with the proposed NSA program. Aside from the tremendous cost incentive of getting free meat toppings for their pizzas, thereby enormously expanding their profit margins and waistlines, the pizzeria owners would be offered a bounty of $1,000 for each conspiracy theorist so disposed of.
Black Helicopter Dinner Party: This project, whose pilot program is funded by the Koch Brothers and the Heritage Foundation, aims to exploit one of the conspiracy theorists’ greatest weaknesses: Their penchant for believing the worst about their government, and expressing their beliefs in a paranoid and thus non-credible manner.
Under this program, unmarked black helicopters full of hardened Special Forces soldiers in unmarked black uniforms would land on the front lawns of selected conspiracy theorists’ homes. The soldiers would kick in the door, storm the house, tie up the inhabitants, and begin to dismember, roast, and eat them. The targeted conspiracy theorist would be tied to a chair but allowed the use of hands and arms, with access to his computer and telephone. Naturally, the conspiracy theorist would make many “crazy” phone calls and FaceBook postings describing precisely what was happening to him and his family; and naturally, nobody would believe him…except perhaps the most dangerously paranoid of his conspiracy-theorist friends, who, thanks to NSA monitoring, would be targeted for the next Black Helicopter Dinner Party.
This program would weaken the credibility of the targeted conspiracy theorists, and by extension conspiracy theorists in general; and it would simultaneously rid the world of the most dangerous and extremist members of the conspiracy community. Additionally, the government would save money currently wasted on rations that feed our Special Forces soldiers. There is no reason why such battle-hardened professional assassins should not have to eat what they kill.
Operation Soylent Green: It is always possible that the two programs described above will not be completely successful. What makes conspiracy theorists such difficult targets is that the more we persecute them, the more paranoid they get. Rumors that the government is cannibalizing its own citizens may well get out of hand. Our contingency plan for this scenario is Operation Soylent Green. Named after the visionary, inspirational science fiction film, this Final Solution to the conspiracy problem envisions the mass arrest, detention, killing, and eating of every conspiracy theorist in the land. (Conspiracy theorists would be identified through NSA computer algorithms that examine all electronic communications and search for keywords indicating that the subject has a conspiratorial mind-set.) The mountains of imitation pork harvested by this method would enable significant cost-cutting measures benefiting school lunch programs, prisons, hospitals, military mess halls, and other institutional food settings.
Naturally, there will be some who oppose these measures on civil liberties grounds. Strict constructionists will argue that the Founding Fathers never intended that government should feast on its citizens. Fortunately, a long series of court decisions has established that the Constitution no longer means what it says; instead, it means whatever the Unitary Executive and the Federalist Society want it to mean. So if we want the Constitution to authorize government-sponsored cannibalism designed to promote the general welfare by ridding us of the conspiracy theorists among us, well, then that is exactly what the Constitution says. (See, I actually do remember something from law school!)
Others may claim that while my proposals are indeed sensible and potentially effective, they have one fatal defect: The flesh of conspiracy theorists, whose paranoia and anti-government rage affects their hormonal secretions, tends have a sour, faintly bitter flavor. My retort to these nay-sayers is simple: A modest dose of MSG is enough to turn the flesh of even the bitterest conspiracy theorist into a delicious dish indistinguishable from high-quality pork. (Yes, we will have to import many tons of MSG from China, which will add to our trade deficit; but the nutritional value and cost savings achieved by enhancing the American diet with significant quantities of conspiracy theorist meat will more than offset the loss.)
My fellow Straussians, whether neoconservative or neoliberal, may take me to task for finally, in this essay, explaining precisely what I meant by the expression “disable the purveyors of conspiracy theories.” I hope they will accept my apologies for violating their taboo on plain speaking – a violation I firmly believe to be in the service of the greater good. And I hope they realize that this article, like my previous article, will receive no publicity whatsoever from the mainstream media or academia; and that the more the conspiracy theorists howl “Obama’s Information Czar wants to kill us and eat us” on their blogs, the less they will be believed by those who still consider the academy and the mainstream media trustworthy.

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