NOVANEWS
DAMASCUS:
Doumaa: Cringing in his suped up spider hole somewhere in ‘Aaliya Farms, Zahraan ‘Alloosh or “Commander Withdrawal”, as he is known unaffectionately by his fellow rats, must be thinking about the afterlife. There is a unit of the Military Intelligence Directorate which is tasked with both pursuing him and putting a bullet neatly in his head. Why, yesterday, in Hawsh Al-Dhawaahira, just east of Doumaa, the SAA plowed through a pack of his rodents killing these:
Zuhayr Al-Biqaa’iy
Shaadi Al-Urfali
Jamaal Al-Bakkaar
Mahmoud Qattaan
‘Imaad Al-Subayhi (LIBYAN MACACQUE MONKEY)
Waseem Al-‘Adhmada
Another 2 could not be identified.
Doumaa: At ‘Alloosh’s Al-‘Aaliya and Al-‘Ibb Farms, the SAA and SAAF killed a total of 26 Jaysh Al-Islam (yawn) rats. They have not sent me any names. All Syrians, apparently.
AND LAST, BUT, NOT LEAST. It appears that another rat gang killed off one of ‘Alloosh’s lieutenants. Thanks to our reader, Dany the Fatso, we have learned of this rat’s departure in Doumaa:
‘Alloosh rat commander, Yousif ‘Abdul-Wahhaab (a/k/a “Abu Saalih), was assassinated by a rival group, probably Tawheed, in Al-Rayhaan, near Doumaa. (Thanks, Dany)
Misraabaa: At the entryway near the Hamza bin ‘Abdul-Muttalib Mosque southeast of Harastaa, these vultures were turned into carrion themselves by the SAA:
Ahmad Khaan Zutuloff (CHECHEN SKUNK MERD AND ODOR PARTICLE)
Al-Shareef bin ‘Atiyya (LIBYAN PREJURASSIC SKUNK)
‘Umar-Zaada (AFGHAN WORM MERCHANT AND FRUIT FLY BREEDER. Identified by prisoner.)
Shaakir Al-‘Aatib
Muhammad Rabee’ Abu-Raashid
Another 3 could not be identified.
Harastaa: 5 rats confirmed killed southeast of the Reservation Center. Another rat was killed east of the Shammoot Company. He was caught trying to steal apricot paste (Qamardeen).
‘Irbeen: A whole bunch of rabid skunks belonging to Nusra went to their favorite sewer in Hell yesterday courtesy of the SAA and PDC:
Mahmoud Ka’roos (rodent leader)
Al-Haadi Al-Huloomi (TUNISIAN TARANTULA DROPPING)
Wafeeq Muhammad
Muhammad Badreddeen
‘Ali Nawfal
Khaan Al-Shaykh: An attempt to infiltrate out of this area from the Four Seasons toward the Al-Salaam Highway was a total disaster for the Nusra rats. I have no names.
